Transactions

I had been trying to solve this problem for about 3 hours.

My computer screen was painted with red messages I did not want to read anymore.

I’d asked my supervisor for help. He’d seen this particular error before and based on what he said, I was heading in the right direction but it seemed like each solution merely revealed another error.

Google.

Stack Overflow.

Github issue pages…

I was neck deep in comments, trying every thing I could.

Yet another error. So I continued doing what I had been doing all morning – I googled the latest error. I saw a suggested solution that looked quite different from what I had been doing thus far. Really, it wasn’t different from what I had been doing; It was just complementary. It had the potential to be the final action that would make all my previous mental exertions worth it.

But could this really have been it? It looked so simple: “Delete this file.”

I had been trying to solve this problem for about 3 hours.

My thoughts were simple:

I’ve done this before – I’ve gotten excited because someone in the comment section exclaimed, “Yes! This solved it for me!”

I’ve typed in the commands.

I’ve tried to run the program again. It seemed to be working when suddenly…

Red letters all over my terminal.

How is this different? Is this different?

But then a different thought arose:

What would happen if this was the actual solution?

There is a discomfort you feel when your life starts to go right after years of going left. I felt the anticipation of that feeling in my gut. It is the rejection of hope because thus far, all hope has done is fed you disappointment. It is the pain of breaking the locks you’ve consciously placed on your heart to keep disappointment out.

How am I to live in joy when all I have known for a long time is pain?

I’m still not used to a God of grace and mercy. I’m still not used to freedom, kindness and love. I’m still not used to a Kingdom of forgiveness. I am still bargaining, working to earn the rights to the soil I am standing on. Something must be given, something must be offered in exchange for this joy; a price must be paid.

And yet He says, “paid in full.”

I am not used to this. I don’t know how to be happy.

ng serve -e local

And I waited for the errors to roll in.

Nothing.

But you know what happened after that? I finally got into the sweetness of what I love to do – just getting lost in the code. I got to be creative. I got to build my castles in the sky and play with logic.

It’s funny… once you get that thing you never thought you’d get, you seamlessly adopt it and learn to frolic in your new reality. Joy’s not so bad. I accept it. I like it. I can dig this.

Last week, my best friend sent me a podcast by Rob Bell. It’s got me thinking a lot about a God who takes the yoke off you and simply asks you to come into Her arms. I would urge anyone that is still trying to buy their seat at the table to listen:

Alternative Wisdom (Part 6) – Sheep, Coins and Sons

Much love & peace.

Advertisements